Friday, December 31, 2010
Personal Lessons From 2010
One day I got my nails done by a wise man who said that he thinks god creates a new lesson for us to learn each year. Not as a collective whole. Not as a community, but individually. That year he said his was humility. What he said made me wonder. And wonder. And wonder some more.
For the entirety that was 2010, I was wondering. What was I supposed to be learning and why was I supposed to be learning it? I paid very close attention to every moment, every day, searching for the answer. Then I realized. Maybe I'm learning more than one lesson this year.
Trust, acceptance, patience and love.
Patience: A lot of people think that I am patient but the truth is that, when it is really important to me, I couldn't be LESS patient. This year though, I have practiced my patience and must admit, it has paid off in a big way.
Love: I am love challenged. Not completely, but trusting someone enough to love them completely, with the risk of possibly getting my heart shattered, scares the daylights out of me. I would run before I'd give my heart away, and I have. Many, many MANY times. There, I admit it. I suck at love. But, like the saying goes, "God is laughing while you're busy making other plans." And so it was. I stopped being scared this year the best that I could, and I will tell you right now that I reaped the benefits in a major way, and now I am engaged to my best friend in the whole world. Sure it can still be scary from time to time...but this is where trust comes in.
Trust: Without dwelling on the past, I will just say that trust is probably my biggest downfall. I hate to admit it too, but it's true. It's a pretty sad day when you wake up and realize that you don't even trust yourself. I cried a lot over trust this year. I really did. I cried for myself, I cried for others and I cried just because. But then I learned. True, the world can be an ugly place. Sure, life is not fair. But, focusing on the negativity will only direct you to a sad and jaded direction, a direction I wasn't willing to go down. It won't get you anywhere. So now I think to myself, "If you can trust it, great. If not, at least you tried." And you know what? As it turns out, most of the time, I can trust. I can trust that there are people who really do love me for who I am, I can trust that I always have a choice, and I can always trust that the weatherman is not always accurate :)
Acceptance: I am probably one of the most misunderstood people on the planet. "There goes Lynda. The girl who can never make up her mind." "Look what she said this time.", "She thinks she's soooo perfect." etc. What's worse is that I have this really annoying people pleasing need. I want everyone to be happy in general, and happy with me, all the time. I wish I knew where I got that attribute so that I could take it back for a refund. It's just not worth it. Not worth the anxiety, not worth the energy it consumes, not worth the pressure. Because the truth is, I don't know what I'm doing every day, and I don't know who I am supposed to be, and I couldn't be further from perfection. In a perfect world, everyone would know exactly the type of person I am. Caring, funny, smart, fun, artistic, loving. They wouldn't mind that occasionally I say the stupidest thing known to man, fall while walking up the stairs, drive golf carts like a psycho, or my worst quality of all, the ability to worry over absolutely everyone and everything. However, it's not a perfect world and a lot of people don't know me, or where my heart stands. I am not perfect and I don't pretend to be, I just do the best I can and try to learn lessons about my mistakes along the way. That should be good enough. I am good enough, my art is good enough, and my imperfections are imperfect enough.
Now, while I have realized these things, I am sure that I will spend some of 2011 still trying to figure it all out. Also, I would like to say that 2010 was not negative for me, even though it sounds like it. I am not complaining, I am sharing my truth. :)
During 2010 I accomplished things that I never thought I would. My art was published in a book that literally traveled the world, an article was published about me on a very popular blog, my Etsy sales picked up, I sold original paintings off of the internet, painted a piano that was auctioned off to help the Boys and Girls club, had magical times with my sister, threw a mad hatter party for the neighborly kids with my fiance, and most recently, discovered Photoshop. I got engaged to the best person ever, made art, got to stay home with my son and truly loved and I have people that truly love me.
Because of the wise man at the nail salon, I now thank God for the lessons he gave me every single day and for the people who help guide me through it all.
And as it turns out, I am just a clueless girl, trying to live in the big bad world...and I am okay with that.
Goodbye 2010, and thank you.
Come back tomorrow to see what my resolutions are for 2011! I have some good stuff to share :)
Happy New Year! Be safe! xoxo